Two True Things
It's official. After an outrageously drawn-out waiting period (which made me very nervous, I can now freely admit), I have been officially admitted to the Graduate College of UNLV. The letter is hanging on the refrigerator as we speak. And may I add that I can now wear my Rebels hat without feeling a little bit like a poseur. I am well pleased.
To celebrate, you should all join me in checking out this link. (Hat tip: The Kat.) Read the whole thing, because it is terribly funny, and, even better than being funny, it is 100% safe for work. So enjoy! (Reiterated hat tip: The Kat.)
And now, here's a story from Rich, my lithium-popping, whoremongering co-worker from New Jersey. "Hey, man," he says, walking up to me at the counter. "You know, every time I go to LA, my cell phone breaks? Yeah, every fucking time." Rich always walks up to me and starts talking like the conversation has already been going on for a few minutes.
"No way. That's too bad, man."
"Oh, tell me about it. But it's not like this one time. One night, I picked up this hooker and her friend down at the Grand--" general laughter from the other employees who have been around for a while and who have heard this story before "-- and while we're driving back to my place, the hooker's friend asks if she can use my cell phone. I say yeah and hand it to her, and she makes a bunch of calls which is totally cool. See, I didn't realize she was holding it for collateral. They do that sometimes."
"Huh."
"Yeah. Hold stuff for collateral. So we get back to my place, and the hooker is gorgeous, but she doesn't know what she's doing and she can't finish the job." I shake my head here, mostly because, while he relates this story, there are a large number of customers milling around in the shop, including some adolescent boys who are conspicuously "not" listening to Rich's story. I hear the manager's voice giving all of us counter help additional "training" on how to behave around customers. Right. "So we get back in my car so I can take them back to the Grand. And they're complaining because I'm not going to pay them. They want a hundred bucks, but they didn't finish the job, so I'm not gonna pay them."
"Huh."
"So they nag and nag, and finally I say 'okay, let's stop at this 7-11. I'll use the ATM.' And they like this idea. So we pull up out front and they want to come in with me. I hold the door open for them -- because I'm a gentleman and my mother taught me right -- and they go right back to the ATM at the back of the store. Now I realize that they're way back there and that my car is right next to the door... so I jump in my car and drive away!" He starts laughing really, really hard. "I just ditched the hookers at the 7-11!" It takes him thirty seconds or so, but he recovers his composure -- I've been laughing politely -- and then he gets serious again. "But I had forgotten that the one hooker still had my cell phone. So that's the story about the time when a hooker stole my cell phone." And without another word, he turns and walks away.
Both of these things -- my admission to UNLV and the story about the thieving prostitute and her inconsiderate john -- actually happened right here in Las Vegas. The neon isn't the only thing keeping this town colorful.
To celebrate, you should all join me in checking out this link. (Hat tip: The Kat.) Read the whole thing, because it is terribly funny, and, even better than being funny, it is 100% safe for work. So enjoy! (Reiterated hat tip: The Kat.)
And now, here's a story from Rich, my lithium-popping, whoremongering co-worker from New Jersey. "Hey, man," he says, walking up to me at the counter. "You know, every time I go to LA, my cell phone breaks? Yeah, every fucking time." Rich always walks up to me and starts talking like the conversation has already been going on for a few minutes.
"No way. That's too bad, man."
"Oh, tell me about it. But it's not like this one time. One night, I picked up this hooker and her friend down at the Grand--" general laughter from the other employees who have been around for a while and who have heard this story before "-- and while we're driving back to my place, the hooker's friend asks if she can use my cell phone. I say yeah and hand it to her, and she makes a bunch of calls which is totally cool. See, I didn't realize she was holding it for collateral. They do that sometimes."
"Huh."
"Yeah. Hold stuff for collateral. So we get back to my place, and the hooker is gorgeous, but she doesn't know what she's doing and she can't finish the job." I shake my head here, mostly because, while he relates this story, there are a large number of customers milling around in the shop, including some adolescent boys who are conspicuously "not" listening to Rich's story. I hear the manager's voice giving all of us counter help additional "training" on how to behave around customers. Right. "So we get back in my car so I can take them back to the Grand. And they're complaining because I'm not going to pay them. They want a hundred bucks, but they didn't finish the job, so I'm not gonna pay them."
"Huh."
"So they nag and nag, and finally I say 'okay, let's stop at this 7-11. I'll use the ATM.' And they like this idea. So we pull up out front and they want to come in with me. I hold the door open for them -- because I'm a gentleman and my mother taught me right -- and they go right back to the ATM at the back of the store. Now I realize that they're way back there and that my car is right next to the door... so I jump in my car and drive away!" He starts laughing really, really hard. "I just ditched the hookers at the 7-11!" It takes him thirty seconds or so, but he recovers his composure -- I've been laughing politely -- and then he gets serious again. "But I had forgotten that the one hooker still had my cell phone. So that's the story about the time when a hooker stole my cell phone." And without another word, he turns and walks away.
Both of these things -- my admission to UNLV and the story about the thieving prostitute and her inconsiderate john -- actually happened right here in Las Vegas. The neon isn't the only thing keeping this town colorful.
posted by Buckwalter at 10:08 AM
3 Comments:
I’m inspired. Now I just need to find some lithium and a cell phone. –whiteguyinjapan.
I don't really understand the reasoning here. Because he left a hooker at a 7/11 without paying her, she stole his cell phone. I don't know...just doesn't seem to add up. Maybe we'd better get Matlock on the case. Who knows, if it's a sweeps week, we might even get to see Don Knotts play his crazy neighbor who helps with the case! That'd be pretty dang exciting.
Heeeey! I wanna shoot ma....
-Don
Post a Comment
<< Home